Why I Don't Run

I have a lot of friends who enjoy running. They run early in the morning, during the heat of the day, late at night...whenever the mood strikes them. They all report "enjoying" running. Most of them never complain about hurting, shin splints, injuries or anything. They just extol the virtues of running.

I'm glad they enjoy it so much. I enjoy living vicariously through their run reports on Facebook, Twitter and other social media. Many times I've imagined myself running right beside them. Cruising along, earbuds embedded, music pushing me...

That's about the extent of my joy of running. 

Reality looks more like this...

The truth is, I HATE running!  I loathe it with every ounce of my loathing ability. Usually, when I hate or loathe something it's just straight up jealousy.  Not so with running.  I hate the pounding of my feet on pavement or treadmill, I hate the sweat pouring down my face, neck, back, legs, and other areas. The very thought of me having to run makes me feel chafed in places. 

This pretty much sums up my feelings about running. 

I thought you might want to know why I don't run.  Here's a list of reasons:

1.  Running causes profuse sweating. Sweating in moderation is fine.  Profuse sweating can cause serious dehydration.  So, out of respect for my body, I choose not to take the risk of sweating to the point of dehydration.

2.  Running outside is a very risky proposition.  Runners must contend with cars, trucks, buses, dogs, snakes and, worst of all, bicyclists!  Bicyclists tend to view runners as lower class beings who can't afford a bicycle. That snobbery breeds contempt and contemp breeds temptation and temptation breeds disaster.  

3.  Running outside causes skin cancer.  You're running outside exposing your skin to harmful U.V. Rays. I know you slather on the SPF-5,000 but your sweat washes it all away and leaves your body exposed to all those evil rays!  Plus, when you sweat off the SPF-5000, you are polluting the local water systems.

4.  Running contributes to GLOBAL WARMING!  Shame on you!  It's a fact that when you run, you produce heat.  Your body temperature rises, you sweat to cool down, you expel heat and carbon dioxide and YOU have just shaved off 30 microseconds off the planet's life!  

5.  Running is sinful.  Most "serious" runners wear those little running shorts and skimpy shirts or sports bras. That's distracting to those of us driving by in our air-conditioned SUVs. We're driving along, enjoying the cool, then we see you. There you are all hot and sweaty and running along with things going up and down in perfect rhythm with your running stride.  We become distracted and, before we know it, you've caused us to have immoral thoughts AND maybe even a wreck!  (Same reasoning applies in the gym when you run on the treadmill.)

As much as I'm against running, I will admit there are a few times when it is necessary:

1.  If you are being chased by or even see a clown!  Do I really have to explain this one?

2.  If you see a snake.  (Helpful hint:  it's best if you can first trip or throw someone between you and the snake before you start running. It distracts the snake and it might think you are offering it a sacrifice.  WARNING:  Throwing your spouse or any loved one between you and the snake can have serious consequences if the snake does not accept your offering.  Yes, I'm speaking from personal experience.)

3.  If you encounter face eating or any other type of zombies.  (Try the sacrifice play outlined above. It may buy you a few minutes.)

4.  If you are caught outside in a hail storm.  (If I have to explain this one, you deserve to be beaten by hail.)

5.  If you smell bacon frying.  This is simple, folks.  If someone is frying bacon, then you better run to get to it because others will be headed toward it, too!  Typically, when there's bacon being fried there are a host of equally delicious foods being served.  

In all cases outlined above, you should only run until you find shelter or a mode of motorized transportation.  

I hope you've all learned some valuable tips. Soon, I'll be explaining why playing golf is unhealthy and why fried bacon should be adopted as our national food.

Jack My iPad And Suffer The Consequences

It appears that The Girl Child jacked my iPad and took some pics. Perhaps you'd like to see them...

Evidently, she found the app that distorts your pictures. 

Three nostrils are better than one. 

Here's a really popular look for back to school. 

And, here's a photo that would make any parent swell with pride.

Last, but not least, here's a real stunner. 

This is what The Girl Child usually looks like...

Now, do you understand why I'm crazy?

Things That Cause Me to Stop and Think...

In my travels I see a lot of unique and interesting things.  Sometimes, those things make me stop and think for a minute.  Then, because I'm slightly ADD, I move on to some other thought.

A recent journey brought these ruminations.... It was a trip through Chop Suey land.  Everywhere I went, I saw Chop Suey restaurants.  Here's a glimpse into my mind..

Welcome to Yet Bun Chop Suey!  I'm not sure what is served here, besides Chop Suey, but I'm not adventurous enough to go in and find out.  I did look them up on the interwebs and found out they have a nice rating on UrbanSpoon: Yet Bun Chop Suey.  However, I think I'll pass on trying the place for a while. 

Next up...

Yep, this is the world famous Dr. King Chop Suey!  Long known as a champion of civil rights he was less well known for his Chop Suey cooking skills. This fine building stands as a testament to those cooking skills. 

Urban Spoon gives it a very high rating based on four reviews :  Dr. King Chop Suey.  I'm not sure I can trust four reviews. I think I'll wait on trying this one, too.

Next, let's take a look at

Fear the DRAGON!  Dragon Chop Suey!  This fine dining establishment does have a website:  http://dragonchopsuey.com/.  I'm not able to find an Urban Spoon link but I'm encouraged by the fact that they have a website!  

Just as I was getting discouraged with looking for Chop Suey restaurants, I saw this!

I see this A LOT in my travels. How does a shoe just end up in the road?  I've rationalized a shoe falling out of the bed of a pickup but can there really be that many pickup trucks with shoes jumping around in the back?

Did someone just dump that shoe on the road as they hooked a left?  Was someone walking along and their shoe came off and they didn't realize it?  How could you NOT know you'd lost your shoe?  Was someone hit by a car and the entire scene was cleaned up except for this shoe?  What a sad memorial if that's the case!

Finally, this picture is provided for you to feel my pain.

And, that's the end of this post. 

Isaac and His Cone of Uncertainty

Isaac, in his swirly craziness, has been given a "Cone of Uncertainty."  Much like Moses being given "The Staff of River Partings," the "Cone of Uncertainty" wields great power.  It makes us believe we have learned great things until we realize it has told us nothing.

Behold, yea, verily I say unto you that Isaac cometh and he bringeth with him a large cone of uncertainty!  All shall bow down and tremble at the sight of the mighty cone of uncertainty...unless you're kinda feeling blaise about the whole thing and then you can just look on in wide-eyed boredom.  (1NWS:2-3)

So, I'm watching some of the coverage about Isaac.  It's shaping up to become a full blown hurricane and that's nothing to make fun of.  So, I won't.

I will, however, make fun of the National Weather Service, The Hurricane Prediction Center and a lot of meteorologists throughout the U.S.

Let's examine "The Cone of Uncertainty":  (cue scary-clown music)
The Cone of Uncertainty is also used extensively as a graphic in hurricane forecasting, where its most iconic usage is more formally known as the NHC Track Forecast Cone,^[1] and more colloquially known as the Error Cone, Cone of Probability, or the Cone of Death. (Note that the usage in hurricane forecasting is essentially the opposite of the usage in software development. In software development, the uncertainty surrounds the current state of the project, and in the future the uncertainty decreases, whereas in hurricane forecasting the current location of the storm is certain, and the future path of the storm becomes increasingly uncertain.)^[2] Over the past decade, storms have traveled within their projected areas two-thirds of the time,^[3] and the cones themselves have shrunk due to improvements in methodology. The NHC first began in-house five-day projections in 2001, and began issuing such to the public in 2003. It is currently working in-house on seven-day forecasts, but the resultant Cone of Uncertainty is so large that the possible benefits for disaster management are problematic. ^[4]  (from our friends at Wikipedia:  Cone of Uncertainty.  Emphasis and highlights are mine. Please support them if you can!)

Notice the more colloquial terms:  Error Cone, Cone of Probability, Cone of Death. (Discuss!)

In effect, what the "Cone of Uncertainty" is telling us is:  We have absolutely no idea what is happening once this bad mamma-jamma hits land and begins to tear itself apart...so, we've put together this useless cone so we can go back and say, "See, we told you it might do this!"

This is "The Cone of Silence" from Get Smart!  To think people made fun of this device!  It puts the "Cone of Uncertainty" to shame!

Other cones scoff and make fun of the "Cone of Uncertainty!"  They rebuke it as a false prophet of destruction, doom and death!  And, they are right to do so!

"THE GREATEST CONE EVER MADE...THE SUGAR CONE!"  All other cones bow before its greatness.  They are weak and paltry compared to its grandeur!  All Hail The Sugar Cone!  Long Live the Sugar Cone!

Okay, so I got a bit carried away there, but...really...the sugar cone is the GREATEST CONE OF THEM ALL!!!  (just saying)

What if the rest of the organized world developed shapes to help convey to people that they have no idea what they are doing?  Here are some possibilities:

"The Circled Dash of Ambiguity" is the official sign of DMVs across the nation.  It tells us, rather plainly, that we will wait in line for a long, long time and, when we are "helped," we will be missing some piece of necessary paperwork.

"The Triangle of Terror" provides guidance for all those who don't know where to begin.  Or...what to begin.

"The Food Pyramid of Confusion." Sadly, I didn't have to make this one up.  This, my friends, is the result of your tax dollars at work.  I've studied this for all of like 10 seconds and then my ADD took over and I kept fixating on the pretty colors and the ginormous stick man climbing the Mountain of Food Things!  Then, I made up a story about him conquering the rulers of each food tribe and reaching the pinnacle of the pyramid only to find that there's no room to stand up there.  And, is anyone else dismayed that hard liquor and candy are missing from the "Food"  Pyramid?

UPDATED: I Think I've Fallen Under Her Spell

Meet the new girl of my dreams...


Allow me to introduce you to Kitty Boo Boo.  Say hi to the nice people Kitty Boo Boo!  "Meeeeoooowwwrrrrrr!"  (That's Kitty Boo Boo talk for "Hey, ya'll!")

     I have to admit that, at first, I was a bit put off by her.  I had lumped her in with those clowns.  Time has passed and I've been able to separate her from those evil panda-magic-stealing-minions-of-the-devil.  Now, I see her for the beauty she really is!

     Oh, Kitty Boo Boo, I need you so!  I want to buy you and bring you home.  I want to give you a place of honor on my back deck.  (I would bring you in the house and carry you from room to room but The Spouse has told me that Kitty Boo Boo would have to be "an outside cat." She's insanely jealous and goes psycho when any other woman even looks my way...except for the hookers in North St. Louis, MO and East St. Louis, IL...but that's another story for another day.)  Maybe, when I finally get to bring you home, you'll be able to work your magic on her and you'll get to come in!
    
     I have no idea how much she is.  I plan on making a trip back to the store where she currently lives and finding out. Once I do, I'll put her in layaway so no one else can claim her and then I'll pay her way to freedom! 

     I can't wait to hold her and bring her to her new home!  She's going to love it here!  She can join Lilo and George in their crazy antics on the deck!  She'll stand guard over us and make sure no deck climbing hooligans come in during the night.  She'll weave her magic all over the house and protect us from clowns and scary little people.  (That's another phobia of mine.  I'm NOT a hater!  I just get a bit freaked out by little people.)

     Until we meet again my sweet, adorable, crazy, silly Kitty Boo Boo...

     If you would like to contribute to the Bring Kitty Boo Boo home fund, please contact me via email at therecoveringprincipal@gmail.com. 

UPDATED:  I took my mother, sister and daughter to meet her in person today.  She was still in her corner, perched regally...poised to bring her magic to my home.
     My mother gasped when she first saw her. I was so happy. Then, she said, "What is wrong with you?!!  Have you lost all of your senses?  That's hideous!  And, it's so much bigger than I thought it was!"
     Luckily for her, I shushed her and explained that Kitty Boo Boo had magical powers and we didn't want to offend her. Can you believe that my mother looked at me like I was the crazy one!
     My sister muttered, "My God, you're just stupid.". Then she said something else that sounded like muttered cussing and walked off. Jealousy is so ugly!
     My sweet Baby Girl shrieked a bit. I thought it was from excitement.  Evidently not.  She wouldn't come near Kitty Boo Boo and kept saying she was afraid it would come to life at night and kill people while they slept. These kids and their silly imaginations!
     As I stood there petting her head and caressing her ears, I picked up the tag and discovered that she's from Brazil and she is hand carved.  I also discovered that she is $170. So, Kitty Boo Boo sleeps in the antique store again tonight.
     If you would like to help free Kitty Boo Boo from her bondage, contact me here: therecoveringprincipal@gmail.com. No gift is too large or to small to help this poor thing find a good home!  

Oh, The Places You'll Go

As you know, I left the crazy, mixed-up, mad-capped world of junior high administration to try my hand at selling stuff to schools. 

As with all outside sales jobs, there's a territory to cover.  My territory is quite large.  I go about an hour and a half south of my home, almost 7 hours north of my home and about 3 hours east of my home.  All my travel is provided by The Beast.  She and I have been together now for seven glorious years and I'm hoping we have another 100,000 miles or more together.

I travel to some interesting places.  The word "interesting" is a relative term.  I get to see some beautiful scenery.  I get to see some incredible sights (Go here to read about one.)  I also get to see some ugliness.

Yes, that's a tire standing upright in a hole.  That "hole" is actually a manhole for sewer access.  That tire is the only thing between drivers and wiping out.

I know what you're thinking after seeing that picture.   Why doesn't my city do this?  Imagine the cost savings!

Hold on there Captain Underpants.  Before you go getting all head up about this idea, let's consider the thought that maybe that tire in the road isn't your standard multi-ply radial that will allow you to run over it and just keep on going.  Maybe that's a single-ply tire with no reinforcement and that bad boy will cave in and there you'll be either stuck in that hole or traveling a few feet past it without your entire front-end.  Now, it's not such a good idea...is it!

I did a little inquiry about this.  It turns out that a friend of mine is an attorney who lives near this area.  He told me that people have stolen the manhole covers and sold them for scrap metal.  The tires are the city's solution to this problem.  There isn't enough money in the city coffers to buy replacement manhole covers. 

I wonder what the quality of life is like here.  I wonder how much hope these folks have.  I wonder how good of an education their kids get.

A shot of some of the area as I enter this town.

Surely there's more to this place than this bit of mayhem.

Urban blight, anyone?  Seriously, I'm not even sure I'm in the same country.

What about a community garden or something like that?  Don't they have that?

Here's your garden variety squalor.  I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be a garden. 

Where do these people live?  Why, look below and you'll see.

Here's one of the nicer homes I drove by.  Seriously.

What, besides stealing manhole covers, do these people do for fun or entertainment?  Surely their lives can't be that bad...

I assume this is The Club...where folks go to hang out, party and, possibly, get killed.

The front of The Club. Either I'm parked on an incline or that joint was built crooked!

Just in case you missed it, here's a closer shot of The Club.

 There you have it.  A look at one of the less glamourous places I call on each week as I peddle my wares. 

After I got home from this place, I stopped in the driveway of my home and took a moment to thank God for all the blessings I have.  I also asked Him to help those people who live in that town to find a way out of their situation.  Join me if you are so inclined. 

TRP: 3 Creepy Clowns: 0!

It all happened this past Saturday.  I awoke early in the morning, made my coffee and curled up on the back deck under a blanket with my iPad.  I was in heaven.  It's August and it was cool enough that I needed a blanket just to sit on the back deck and drink my coffee. 

If you don't live here, you may not understand.  Our weather in July, August and September tends to range from oppresively hot and humid to oppressively hot and humid.  This morning was a sign from The Almighty that today was going to be a good one.

The plan for the day looked like this:

10:00a.m. - Drop The Heathen off with Mawmaw and Pawpaw at the local conservation office to watch the hummingbirds be banded. That's a whole other post.  It's not like they make them perform in a band for everyone's entertainment or anything. 

Spend the rest of the day in a state of adult, childless bliss!

We dropped The Heathen off and headed downtown to our favorite little coffee shop.  We hadn't spent time just wandering around downtown in a long, long time.  We grabbed our caramel macchiatos and headed to the farmer's market. 

After a quick walk through the farmer's market we wandered in and out of some of the "antique" stores. 

Here's a look at what we saw...

Here's a picture of a rather friendly looking clown who has captured a cute panda bear.  Notice the cleverly disguised sorcery markings on his hat.  It screams "Fun and Fanciful!"  Poor panda, he has no idea he's been capture by a minion of Satan.

This picture clearly identifies the evil and clever scary-as-hell clown leader.  He's exuberant over the fact that they've captured a panda and will now be able to steal its magic for their evil purposes.  Everyone who understands the inner workings of "the other world" knows that pandas possess great magic.  A clown with panda magic is a very, very dangerous clown!

This creepy clown henchman probably has seven sharp knives inside that "squeeze box."  After the other two creepy-as-hell clowns capture you using panda magic, this one carves you up.

There's a good reason these were hanging in the very back of the store obscured from view by a lot of other stuff.  I happened to have been born with a clown sixth sense and I can detect a clown within a 200 yard radius.  It's just a feeling I get and I don't ignore it!  Kinda like Spiderman and his tingly feeling. 

My clown sense could better be described as a "Sweet baby Jesus there's a clown nearby!" shock to the gut!

While these clown paintings may not be evil, there's always the chance that whoever painted them was a clown and wove their evil into the painting.  You can NEVER be too cautious with clowns and my "Sweet baby Jesus there's a clown nearby!" senses were on full alert!

Some tribal people, who tend to understand magic or "juju" better than the rest of us, believe that taking a picture of someone can capture their soul. 

Ha!  Gotcha creepy panda killing clowns!  Your souls are MINE and I'm sending them straight to the interwebs and the original pictures to the trash can on my computer!  I'll split your evil souls in two!  (insert maniacal laughter here because bwahahahahahahahahahaha just doesn't give the same feeling as the maniacal laughter you can interject from your own memories.)

IN MY NEXT POST, WE'LL BE LOOKING AT THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE EVIL MIND THAT WOULD CREATE THIS...