Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Why I Don't Run

I have a lot of friends who enjoy running. They run early in the morning, during the heat of the day, late at night...whenever the mood strikes them. They all report "enjoying" running. Most of them never complain about hurting, shin splints, injuries or anything. They just extol the virtues of running.

I'm glad they enjoy it so much. I enjoy living vicariously through their run reports on Facebook, Twitter and other social media. Many times I've imagined myself running right beside them. Cruising along, earbuds embedded, music pushing me...

That's about the extent of my joy of running. 

Reality looks more like this...

The truth is, I HATE running!  I loathe it with every ounce of my loathing ability. Usually, when I hate or loathe something it's just straight up jealousy.  Not so with running.  I hate the pounding of my feet on pavement or treadmill, I hate the sweat pouring down my face, neck, back, legs, and other areas. The very thought of me having to run makes me feel chafed in places. 

This pretty much sums up my feelings about running. 

I thought you might want to know why I don't run.  Here's a list of reasons:

1.  Running causes profuse sweating. Sweating in moderation is fine.  Profuse sweating can cause serious dehydration.  So, out of respect for my body, I choose not to take the risk of sweating to the point of dehydration.

2.  Running outside is a very risky proposition.  Runners must contend with cars, trucks, buses, dogs, snakes and, worst of all, bicyclists!  Bicyclists tend to view runners as lower class beings who can't afford a bicycle. That snobbery breeds contempt and contemp breeds temptation and temptation breeds disaster.  

3.  Running outside causes skin cancer.  You're running outside exposing your skin to harmful U.V. Rays. I know you slather on the SPF-5,000 but your sweat washes it all away and leaves your body exposed to all those evil rays!  Plus, when you sweat off the SPF-5000, you are polluting the local water systems.

4.  Running contributes to GLOBAL WARMING!  Shame on you!  It's a fact that when you run, you produce heat.  Your body temperature rises, you sweat to cool down, you expel heat and carbon dioxide and YOU have just shaved off 30 microseconds off the planet's life!  

5.  Running is sinful.  Most "serious" runners wear those little running shorts and skimpy shirts or sports bras. That's distracting to those of us driving by in our air-conditioned SUVs. We're driving along, enjoying the cool, then we see you. There you are all hot and sweaty and running along with things going up and down in perfect rhythm with your running stride.  We become distracted and, before we know it, you've caused us to have immoral thoughts AND maybe even a wreck!  (Same reasoning applies in the gym when you run on the treadmill.)

As much as I'm against running, I will admit there are a few times when it is necessary:

1.  If you are being chased by or even see a clown!  Do I really have to explain this one?

2.  If you see a snake.  (Helpful hint:  it's best if you can first trip or throw someone between you and the snake before you start running. It distracts the snake and it might think you are offering it a sacrifice.  WARNING:  Throwing your spouse or any loved one between you and the snake can have serious consequences if the snake does not accept your offering.  Yes, I'm speaking from personal experience.)

3.  If you encounter face eating or any other type of zombies.  (Try the sacrifice play outlined above. It may buy you a few minutes.)

4.  If you are caught outside in a hail storm.  (If I have to explain this one, you deserve to be beaten by hail.)

5.  If you smell bacon frying.  This is simple, folks.  If someone is frying bacon, then you better run to get to it because others will be headed toward it, too!  Typically, when there's bacon being fried there are a host of equally delicious foods being served.  

In all cases outlined above, you should only run until you find shelter or a mode of motorized transportation.  

I hope you've all learned some valuable tips. Soon, I'll be explaining why playing golf is unhealthy and why fried bacon should be adopted as our national food.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Jack My iPad And Suffer The Consequences

It appears that The Girl Child jacked my iPad and took some pics. Perhaps you'd like to see them...

Evidently, she found the app that distorts your pictures. 

Three nostrils are better than one. 

Here's a really popular look for back to school. 

And, here's a photo that would make any parent swell with pride.

Last, but not least, here's a real stunner. 

This is what The Girl Child usually looks like...

Now, do you understand why I'm crazy?