Saturday, July 14, 2012

Beware The Spouse...She'll Shank You If She Has To! (With an Update)

So, it's been a while since I last posted.  I will only tell you that things have been very busy with work and family.  There's a really long story in there but it's not exciting or funny. 

Moving on...The Spouse and I had the opportunity to be riding in the same vehicle without The Boy Child and The Girl Child recently.  That's always an awkward time for us.  We tend to sit in silence for a bit and try to remember why we're not telling the godless heathen to be quiet, stop picking at each other, quit kicking the back of the seat, and saying things like, "No, you can't see my iPhone to check the weather.  You've checked the radar 14 times in the last 10 minutes.  Nothing's changed!"

We were having a wonderful time together just driving along.  We had just spent some quality time together.  She was shopping, I was complaining.  It's really the little things in life that make marriage most enjoyable. 

As we were driving around St. Louis, MO to our next destination, The Spouse said to me:  "Would you hand me my little knife.  I want to cut this tag off."

I turned my head to look at her and said, "What knife?  You have a knife in here?"

The Spouse looked at me with the look that says "My God you really are a blithering idiot!" and said, "Ummm...yes, I have a pocket knife in the little cubby under the door handle."

So, I felt in the little cubby (sheesh, it's not a cubby, it's a compartment) and picked up the knife.  As I reached across to hand it to her, she said, and I swear this is the gospel truth, "Not that one!  That's my shankin' knife!  I need the cute little Swiss Army knife with the scissors on it."

As I regained control of the vehicle, I turned to her and said, "What the hell do you mean "that's my shankin' knife?!  Why do you have a shankin' knife?  Why do you need a shankin' knife?!" 

This time, I received the look that says, "Do I really have to explain this to you?  Isn't this self-evident?"  Instead of saying that, she said, "That's my shankin' knife.  You case I'm alone and someone tries to attack me.  I'll shank 'em and get away." 

"I can see you've thought this through pretty thoroughly.  I just see a few flaws in your plan.  If someone attacks you, they probably aren't going to do it while you are in the car.  I'm fairly certain the attacker isn't going to be some very understanding attacker who will allow you to take a break from the attack so you can unlock your door, open it and reach in to find the shankin' knife.  Call me crazy, but I think you're pretty defenseless outside of the car."

The Spouse paused for a moment, let out a deep breath of exasperation, and said, "I'll use it if I'm like at an intersection and someone tries to carjack me or attacks me while I'm waiting for the light to change."

She completely ignored the whole argument about being attacked outside of the car. 

"That's a great plan.  However, and feel free to call me stupid here, you are going to have to fumble around and spend some time reaching for your shankin' knife, opening the blade and then cutting someone.  Not to mention, the blade on this thing is about two inches long.  Most likely you are just going to piss the dude off if you "shank" him with it.  And, what happens if you grab the "cute little Swiss Army Knife" instead?  Are you going to put it back because it's not your "shankin'" knife?"

Again with one of her looks that speaks without using words, "As I shank or cut him, I'm going to gun my accelerator and he'll fall away.  Or, he'll hang on and then I'll make swervy motions and try to get him to fall off and/or run over him."

I thought for a moment about continuing the conversation.  Sometimes, however, things are better left alone.  So, I simply said, "Well, that's one way to deal with it."

Lest you shake your head in disbelief...

UPDATE:  The Spouse read this and just said, "Two inches is all you need to cut the jugular or the carotid!"  Who am I living with?

1 comment:

  1. Ohhhhh, I'm loving the wife more and more with every post :D


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