Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Having "The Talk" With The Boy Child

I recently had "The Talk" with The Boy Child.

Let me give you a little background on this male off-spring of mine.

  • First, he's male.

  • Second, he's 11, soon to be 12, which means he thinks he's like 30 something and already knows everything...except about this topic.

  • Third, he's very, very, very bright. (The Spouse claims this is from her genetic contribution.) We had his I.Q. tested and he scored 141. This Boy would just as soon watch "Into the Worm Hole" (I have to giggle every time I say or write that) on the Science Channel as he would any episode of Spongebob. So, I figured, he's probably got it all down and I'll just have to give him a refresher course. You know, like the first few weeks of school...when you relearn in about three weeks everything it took you nine months to learn the year before.

  • He's very analytical-minded and very serious about any topic involving science, physics, architecture, cars and video games.

  • He sometimes lacks the attention span of a fly in a barn full of manure. (He calls it "short-term memory loss" because he's smart and he watched something on one of those medical channels.)

  • He lacks common sense on many occassions. The Spouse says that was my contribution to the genetic makeup.

So, one evening a few weeks ago, I decided it was finally time to have "The Talk". He had asked me earlier in the Spring when we would be having it. I can only gather that the Catholic school I'm paying my hard-earned cash to doesn't check the bathroom graffiti regularly. Thus, the questionable drawings and or comments must have spurred this.

The Girl Child was spending the night with her friend. I'll call her Louise. As in, Thelma and Louise. That's another post for another day, but my daughter would be Thelma in this friendship. The Girl Child is 9. I'm pretty sure she already knows all about sex because she gave me some pointers one time.

I sent The Spouse to another part of the house. This was man-talk and I didn't need her putting in her crazy notions on the topic. The Boy Child and I gathered in the living room. He on one couch and I on the other. I muted the television and began the conversation:

Me: So, what do you know about sex? (I swear I didn't giggle when I said "sex"!)

TBC: Nothing, really.

Me: Surely you know something. Haven't the other boys in your school said anything, talked about it, made jokes?

TBC: No. I'm a nerd. They don't talk to me much.

Me: You're not a nerd. You're just smarter than those idiots and it scares them. They fear that which they don't understand. You could totally dominate them some day. Especially if you could build some type of mind-control device. That would be freaking awesome...


Me: Okay, but don't let that mind-control device idea get away. So...where to begin? Do you know about the changes your body will go through?

TBC: Yes, we had an anatomy discussion last year in one of our classes.

Me: So, you know about the extra hair and all the changes you'll go through. The hair part is the scariest. If you're lucky, you'll be like me and have a manly pelt on your chest and stomach. It drives the ladies crazy when they see you. It's how I wooed your mother. I totally rocked out my manly fur and she flipped!

TBC: Uh-huh. You and Mom met in a nursing home and you asked her out. She's already told me the story. I'm not sure why she fell for you though. Could you please go on? I want to watch something on the Civil War on The History Channel.

Me: Whatever. Your Mom lied to protect you. So, you know that a girl's body changes as well. She gets boobs and she will eventually start to menstruate. I'll explain all of that later. There's so much to that. I'll tell you this now...it's NOT just one week per month that you have to tread lightly and be careful about what you do and say! That's a lie perpetuated by the feminazis!

TBC: Look, if you don't want to discuss this, I can look it up online. I'm sure Wikipedia will have it covered.

Me: Wikipedia?! Really?! I need to look at that. I wonder if they have pictures and everything. Would that be porn?

TBC: Hello?! I'm right here!

Me: Okay, so here's the deal. When a guy likes a girl, things start to happen. The guy gets all amped up and starts thinking that he "loves" the girl. The girl, if she's into the guy, starts to get all amped up too. They might start out kissing...

I explained it as best as I could from there. I know I left some things out. Especially that crazy stuff my wife tries to talk me into! Sheesh! Wacko!

Me: Okay. So that's what "having sex" is. Do you have any questions?

TBC: No.

Me: Okay, so, there's also gay sex. Do you want me to cover that with you as well?

TBC: No. After this, I don't think I'm ready to know about that.

Me: Alright. When you are ready, just ask. I'll tell you all about it.

TBC: It'll be a while. Now, can I watch my show on the Civil War?

Me: Sure. Let me know if they have any parts about the soldiers having sex with the women in the towns they march through. I could probably clear up any misinformation.

TBC: (He gave me the same look his mother does when it's time for me to find something else to do.)

I found The Spouse folding laundry in our love nest.

TS: How'd it go?

Me: Great!

TS: You told him everything?

Me: I think so. Do you want me to recap for you?

TS: No! I just hope you helped him understand that it's not something he should do just because it feels good or because he's pressured into it.

Me: I totally told him how you are a freak in the bed.

TS: I will totally kill you and collect every penny of life insurance! Accidents happen, you know! You better be lying to me!

Me: Ease up Godzilla! I'm just kidding. I told him what he needs to know and I think I freaked him out a bit.

TS: Why? How? (She gave me that look that says, "If you jacked up our kid I'll take you out!")

Me: It's just a feeling I got. He just sat there...nodding his head...saying, "Hmmmm" the whole time. It was weird. I almost felt like he was making sure that I knew all about it.

I think I'm going to go look something up on that Wikipedia.


  1. My dad laid $100 worth of $20 bills and told me to tell him what I knew. Anything that was wrong, he took money off the table. Made the discussion serious, direct, and he didn't have to say much!!!


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