Thursday, September 15, 2011

Surprising New Info on My Jacked Up Arm -- I'm a Lesbian and I'm Proud of It!

That's a frame from the Epic Fail CT Scan I had. You remember...the one with the I.V. that was just going to be "a stick" and the dye that made me think I'd lost control of my bowels and had pooped on myself.

Yeah, that Epic Fail CT Scan.

I thought some of you might be interested enough to take a look at the image. I blew this image up so you could see the six screws and the broken plate. Pretty gnarly, right? If you look just below the arrow I've drawn, you can see where the plate is broken. Nice, huh?!

I also happened to notice that they have me listed as "F" for female. Who knew?! When I saw that I pulled down my pants to check.

It puzzled me because it appeared that all of my male parts were still there. Then, I remembered something that I'd read about when I was studying to be a doctor. I studied to be a doctor for about 25 minutes one day. I found out you had to take classes like calculus, chemistry, organic chemistry, biology, anatomy and other really hard classes so I gave that up and pursued other interests.

Anyway, I remembered that sometimes, when a person's leg or arm is cut off they will be convinced that it's still there. It will "hurt" and they are convinced that they still have whatever was cut off. They call that "phantom pain".

So, I must have "phantom male parts". I Googled that and came up with a LOT of interesting porn sites. I couldn't find anything scientific on it, though. Again, I'm a modern medical mystery! I may be the first person on the planet to have broken his arm and have changed sex at the same time. Chaz Bono went through all of that surgery and hormone therapy and all kinds of really painful stuff. All she/he really needed to do was break her/his arm!

I broke the news to The Spouse this morning. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Honey, I need to tell you something.

TS: What is it? I'm in a hurry. The kids are going to be late for school.

Me: It's kinda delicate and I don't want you to be upset.

TS: Did you put something on the credit card?!

Me: No! Well, maybe some $5.99 porn for "research purposes" for my latest blog post.

TS: If there's a charge for porn on the credit card, you're going to wish you weren't born. Remember the flying monkeys? I'll bring in the clowns if you bought porn!

Me: Back up Godzilla! I'll get a refund. Sheesh! Besides, that's not what I wanted to tell you.

TS: What is it and don't waste my time with stupid stuff.

Me: Ummm....honey, I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

TS: What? You're wasting my time. What is wrong with you? Did you double up on your medication again?! Do I need to count your pills?

Me: NO! Look, see, it's right here on my CT Scan!

TS: Your CT scan results say you are a're such a moron.

Me: Look at the scan! Right there! It has me listed as "F" under "Sex". I know this is hard for you but I want you to know that I'm cool with it. I love you and I'm glad I'm a lesbian and not a regular girl. I don't want to like other guys. I like girls, and since I apparently changed sexes as a result of my fall, I'm proud to be a lesbian and I'm proud to be married to you.

TS: The person who entered your information miskeyed it. You are NOT a lesbian! I have to get the kids to school and go to work.

Me: Ummm...honey, these people are medical PROFESSIONALS! They don't really make mistakes very often, and, when they do, insurance companies pay out megabucks! Either way, we win! I want you to think about it today. We can talk more tonight. I think we need to come out to our families pretty quickly, though. I'm assuming you'll want to be a lesbian, too. I mean think about the advantages. Lots of people will invite us to their parties because we'll be the only lesbian couple they know. They'll want to show everyone that they are down with us! We'll be the most sought after couple in town! Free food and booze!

TS: I'm leaving. Kids say goodbye to your father. Don't get near him, though. He's having one of his episodes this morning.

Me: I love you! I hope you'll still love me. We'll talk more when you get home. Let it sink in for a bit.

I've gotta go prepare my "talk" for my kids. I need to let them know that they are now living in a same-sex household. The Boy Child will have to have the next phase of The Talk pretty soon. The Girl Child will be cool with whatever.

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